Category: Witness

Personal testimony, lived experience, repentance, healing, and what God has revealed through real life.

  • What If the Shade is Worse?

    I was sitting in a chair on my concrete porch watching a caterpillar die.

    At least, I think it was dying.

    It was hot outside, and there were a few other dead caterpillars scattered around the porch. This one was still alive, but it was rolling and writhing around on the concrete. I figured the heat was roasting the poor thing, so I did what seemed obvious.

    I rescued it.

    Well, “rescued” may be giving myself too much credit. I found something to pick it up with, carried it a few feet, and laid it down in the grass where it was cooler and shaded.

    There. Good deed accomplished.

    Except I kept watching it, and it was still writhing around.

    That’s when my brain decided that rescuing a caterpillar needed to become a theological crisis.

    What if it was already past the point of saving? What if whatever was wrong with it couldn’t be fixed? What if the hot concrete would have killed it quickly, and all I’d accomplished by putting it in the cool grass was prolonging its suffering?

    What if the shade was worse?

    Oh, good grief.

    This is apparently what happens when you spend too much time thinking about God. You can’t even move a caterpillar without stumbling into the problem of suffering.

    But the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was something there.

    I had absolutely no idea whether I had helped that caterpillar. I knew more than it did, of course. At least I assume I did. I knew the concrete was hot, the grass was cooler, and there was shade nearby. From everything I could see and understand, moving it seemed like the compassionate thing to do.

    But I couldn’t see everything.

    Maybe it was dying already. Maybe it would recover. Maybe I’d prolonged its suffering or maybe I’d saved its life. For all I knew, I’d dropped it six inches from something that eats caterpillars. I simply didn’t know.

    And yet, from the caterpillar’s perspective, if we’re willing to grant our little friend a perspective for the sake of the argument, I might as well have been incomprehensible. One moment it’s roasting on the concrete. The next, some enormous creature reaches down, lifts it into the air, carries it across an impossible distance, and drops it into an entirely different world.

    It couldn’t possibly understand what I was doing.

    The problem was, I couldn’t completely understand what I was doing either.

    I had more information than the caterpillar, but I didn’t have all the information God does.

    That’s considerably harder for me to remember when I am the caterpillar on the concrete.

    When something hurts, I usually have a pretty good idea what I think God should do about it. I want Him to get me out of it, make it stop, give me the opportunity, save the relationship, heal the person I love, or fix whatever problem has me lying there roasting.

    I want God to put me in the shade.

    There is nothing wrong with asking Him for that. Jesus Himself, facing the cross, prayed:

    “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.”
    (Luke 22:42)

    I’ve read that verse plenty of times, but the caterpillar gave me another way of thinking about it. Jesus asked for what He desired. He didn’t pretend the cup wasn’t terrible or that suffering didn’t hurt. He asked for it to be taken away, but He also submitted His desire to the knowledge and will of the Father.

    Not My will, but Yours, be done.

    In my considerably less significant caterpillar language, “I know which outcome looks like the shade to me, but only You know whether the shade is actually better.”

    That’s a difficult place to “let go and let God.”

    Proverbs tells us:

    “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;”
    (Proverbs 3:5)

    This verse is pivotal. It’s the Scripture I quote on the GOTH Ministry home page. I’ve probably read it a hundred times without really hearing it. Think about what it’s actually asking.

    Lean not on your own understanding.

    That means admitting something can look obviously better to me and I can still be wrong. Something can look obviously worse and I may not know enough to understand why.

    That doesn’t mean suffering is secretly good, nor does it mean every horrible thing that happens was personally arranged by God to teach somebody a lesson. It certainly doesn’t give me permission to walk up to someone lying on the hot concrete of their own life and tell them, “God has you here for a reason.”

    I don’t know that.

    That’s kind of the point.

    There is another danger in taking this idea too far. If I don’t know whether the shade is ultimately better, perhaps I shouldn’t have moved the caterpillar at all. I’m not sure I believe that either.

    I saw something suffering and had the ability to help, so I helped. I didn’t need to understand the entire chain of consequences before choosing compassion.

    That’s true with people too. I don’t have to know how someone’s story ends before feeding them when they’re hungry, sitting beside them when they’re lonely, visiting them when they’re imprisoned, helping them when they’re hurting, or loving them when they feel unlovable. I don’t have to know whether my act of compassion will fix their life before deciding that compassion is warranted.

    I’m not responsible for knowing everything. I’m responsible for what I do with what I know.

    So yes, move the caterpillar.

    But when I’m the caterpillar, things become harder.

    What happens when I’m the one lying on the concrete, praying for God to move me, and He doesn’t? What happens when I can see the shade just a few feet away and cannot understand why God hasn’t picked me up and put me there?

    I don’t have a satisfying answer for that.

    Maybe that’s another lesson the caterpillar taught me. Sometimes I don’t know is the most faithful answer I have.

    I can see the concrete and I can see the shade. I can certainly feel the heat.

    But I can’t see what God can.

    Faith doesn’t require me to pretend the concrete isn’t hot. It doesn’t require me to call suffering good or to stop asking God for relief.

    Maybe faith is trusting Him enough to admit:

    I want the shade. But I don’t know what You know.

    Nevertheless not my will, but Yours, be done.

  • Hand It Over

    For most of my Christian life, one phrase never made much sense to me.

    “Hand it over to God.”

    I never doubted the sincerity of the people who said it. I just never understood what they meant. How do you hand something you cannot hold to Someone you cannot see? Was I supposed to stop thinking about it? Stop feeling it? Pretend it no longer hurt or haunted me?

    So I usually nodded, thanked them, and quietly wondered if everyone else knew a secret I had somehow missed.

    Then life gave me something I couldn’t carry.

    Someone close to me wounded me deeply. It wasn’t one dramatic moment. It was a pattern that slowly spread into other parts of my life and began affecting people I loved. I replayed conversations, imagined future ones, defended myself in my head, and carried the weight everywhere I went.

    I prayed constantly.

    If I’m honest, most of those prayers were really instructions.

    “Lord, fix this. Change them. Make this stop. Make me feel better.”

    I thought I was surrendering. Looking back, I was still trying to manage the outcome.

    Eventually I made the painful decision to step back. It felt like failure. I questioned myself constantly. I wondered if I was abandoning someone. I wondered whether a faithful Christian was supposed to keep enduring no matter the cost.

    Then one realization changed everything.

    I realized not only that I didn’t deserve to keep hurting anymore.

    I realized I didn’t have to.

    That felt almost wrong to admit. Somewhere along the way I had convinced myself that continuing to carry the pain was somehow more faithful. As though suffering itself proved my obedience.

    The more I prayed, the more I began to see something uncomfortable.

    I had added a command God never gave.

    I thought of Eve in the garden. When the serpent questioned her, she replied that they were not even supposed to touch the tree. But God had only said not to eat from it. Somewhere, somehow, something had been added.

    I realized I had done something similar.

    God calls us to forgive. He calls us to love. He calls us to trust Him.

    He never told me I had to keep carrying a burden He had invited me to give to Him.

    That was when the phrase “hand it over to God” finally became real.

    I still didn’t know how, so I did the only thing I could think of.

    In prayer, I imagined gathering every hurt, every fear, every unanswered question, every memory, and placing them into a box.

    I closed the lid.

    I handed the box to God.

    “Lord, this is too heavy for me. I can’t carry it anymore. It belongs to You now.”

    For a while, I felt lighter.

    The next day the thoughts came back.

    Then it hit me.

    I had quietly picked the box back up.

    So I prayed, “Lord, I don’t know why but I seem to have picked this back up. Here. It belongs to you,” and I handed it back.

    The next day I picked it up again.

    So I handed it back again.

    That became my prayer for days, then weeks.

    Over time the circumstances didn’t change nearly as much as I wanted.

    But I did.

    The rehearsing slowed. The bitterness lost its grip. The grief remained, but it no longer ruled me. I wasn’t pretending the hurt never happened. I simply wasn’t carrying it by myself anymore.

    I finally understood that handing something to God isn’t asking Him to do what I want.

    It’s releasing my claim to control what only He can carry.

    Sometimes I still find myself reaching for that box.

    When I notice it, I don’t shame myself.

    I simply smile, hand it back, and remember that my Father never asked me to carry it in the first place.

    That’s what surrender has become for me.

    Not a single moment.

    A daily decision to trust the One who is strong enough to carry what I never could.

  • The Struggle Matters

    For years, I believed something that quietly kept me discouraged.

    Every time I found myself struggling with the same sin again, I took it as evidence that nothing had really changed. I’d think, “If God were truly changing me, why am I still fighting this?”

    I wasn’t asking because I wanted permission to sin. I was asking because I hated that the fight hadn’t ended.

    It took me longer than I’d like to admit to realize I’d been measuring spiritual growth by the wrong standard. I assumed maturity meant the struggle lessened and eventually disappeared. Looking back, I don’t think that’s what God was showing me at all.

    The struggle itself matters.

    For a long time I thought the struggle meant I wasn’t changing. Now I wonder if the struggle was one of the clearest signs that God was changing me.

    The Spirit creates a kind of struggle that didn’t exist before. Especially with the sins no one else sees. The ones you could carry quietly without anyone around you ever knowing. Before Christ, it’s easy to justify them, excuse them, or simply live with them. But when the Spirit began working in me, something changed. Before I would sin without any thought to it. Now, there is tension. There is resistance. Something inside me pushes back.

    That tension is not meaningless.

    It’s evidence.

    Scripture speaks about conviction, and that word matters. Conviction is not the same thing as condemnation.

    Condemnation says, “This is who you are. Stay here.”
    Conviction says, “This doesn’t belong to who you are anymore.”

    One traps you. The other calls you forward.

    For years I misunderstood that feeling. I thought every fresh struggle was proof that I’d failed God again. Looking back, I can see that many of those moments were actually invitations to return to Him instead of running from Him.

    It’s easy to hear someone say guilt and shame are gifts and misunderstand what they mean. Most of us know what it feels like to be crushed beneath them.

    But think about touching a hot stove. Pain isn’t there to punish you. It’s there to tell you, “Move your hand.” Without that warning, you’d do real damage and never realize it.

    In the same way, conviction isn’t meant to leave us staring at our failure. It’s meant to turn us away from it.

    If we stop at guilt, we stay stuck. We replay our failures, define ourselves by them, and become more aware of the distance than of God’s invitation.

    But if we treat conviction like a signal instead of a sentence, everything begins to change.

    I began noticing something I hadn’t expected. The struggle didn’t disappear, but I couldn’t enjoy my sin the way I once had. I found myself recognizing patterns sooner, praying sooner, repenting sooner. The battle was still there, but it no longer held quite the same grip.

    Looking back, I’m grateful the struggle didn’t disappear overnight. If it had, I might have trusted my own willpower instead of learning to depend on Christ.

    Over time, obedience grows. Not perfectly. Not all at once. But steadily. The same temptations lose some of their pull. The same failures no longer define us because we keep turning back toward the One who is changing us.

    The absence of struggle isn’t always a sign of freedom. Sometimes it’s a sign we’ve stopped fighting.

    The presence of struggle is not proof that nothing is changing. It may be one of the clearest signs that something is.

    Not that you’ve arrived, but that you’re no longer asleep.

    So if you’re fighting something you wish wasn’t there, don’t rush to write it off as failure.

    Pay attention to the struggle. Respond to it. Let it draw you back toward Christ.

    Because the goal isn’t simply to feel bad about sin.

    The goal is to leave it behind.

    And if that’s beginning to happen, even in small ways, then something in you is very much alive.

  • God Works

    God is omnipotent. That simply means God has all power. Nothing is beyond Him. He doesn’t need tools, time, or effort the way we do. Creation itself came into existence because He spoke. Scripture tells us plainly that “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

    Because of that truth, a natural question arises. If God can do anything… why doesn’t He? Why doesn’t He simply fix everything? Why doesn’t He come down and play Oprah with the world?

    You get healed. You get a million dollars. You get happiness.”

    It sounds almost humorous when we say it that way, but underneath the joke is a very real question. If God is loving and powerful, why isn’t His intervention more obvious? The answer begins with understanding what God actually wants from us.

    If God revealed Himself constantly in undeniable, unmistakable ways—if miracles happened every hour and divine voices echoed from the sky—belief would be unavoidable. But unavoidable belief is not faith. Scripture describes it this way:

    “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”
    (Hebrews 11:1)

    Faith involves trust. It involves believing before we see the outcome. Jesus spoke directly about this after His resurrection when Thomas demanded physical proof. After allowing Thomas to touch His wounds, Jesus said: “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed” (John 20:29). Faith, in other words, matters deeply to God. Not because God needs validation, but because faith reveals something about the heart.

    Christian faith is not merely intellectual agreement with a set of ideas. It’s not just saying, “Yes, God exists.” Biblical faith is relational. When someone places their faith in Christ, they’re trusting Him with their life, their forgiveness, their identity, and their future. And that kind of trust doesn’t grow in a vacuum—it grows from love.

    Think about it in human terms. The people we trust most deeply are the ones we love most deeply. Trust and love reinforce one another. In that sense, faith becomes a reflection of love. When we believe in God—when we choose to trust Him even when life is confusing, painful, or uncertain—we’re expressing love toward Him. The depth of our faith reveals the depth of our love.

    So does that mean God simply sits back and watches the world unfold? Not at all. Jesus said, “My Father is working until now, and I am working” (John 5:17). God is not absent. He hasn’t abandoned the world. But much of His work now happens in a way that many people overlook—He works through His people.

    Throughout Scripture, God repeatedly accomplishes His work through ordinary people who are willing to trust Him. He worked through Moses to lead Israel out of Egypt. He worked through Esther to save her people. He worked through the apostles to spread the gospel across the world. That pattern has never really changed. When someone feeds the hungry, comforts the grieving, speaks truth in love, forgives someone who wronged them—that is God working through the faithful.

    Paul described believers this way:

    “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”
    (Ephesians 2:10)

    Notice the order. God prepares the work. We walk in it. The power belongs to God. The obedience belongs to us.

    Here’s something many believers eventually discover—living by faith often leads us into situations we would never choose on our own. Left entirely to ourselves, most of us prefer comfort. We prefer safety. We prefer quiet lives where we don’t draw attention to ourselves. Yet faith has a way of pushing us past those boundaries. Someone might feel called to encourage a stranger who is struggling. Someone might speak openly about their faith even though it makes them nervous. Someone might step forward to serve or lead in ways that stretch them far beyond their comfort zone.

    From the outside it may look like courage. From the inside it often feels like obedience mixed with trembling. And that trembling obedience is exactly where God often works most clearly. Paul described it this way:

    “We have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us”
    (2 Corinthians 4:7)

    We are the jars of clay—ordinary, fragile, imperfect. The treasure is the work of God happening through us.

    I know that from the inside. I’m a writer now—you’re reading the proof of that—but there was a long stretch of time when I had no interest in writing about faith at all. I wasn’t running from God exactly, but I wasn’t moving toward anything either. God had to work around a fair amount of my own resistance to get me here. The path wasn’t straight and it wasn’t comfortable, and I wouldn’t have chosen most of it. But looking back, I can see it clearly: He was preparing the work long before I was willing to walk in it.

    That’s how it tends to go. When a person truly understands God’s love—not as a concept but as something they’ve actually received—something shifts. The cross is the clearest demonstration of that love:

    “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”
    (Romans 5:8)

    God didn’t wait for humanity to deserve His grace. He offered it first. When a person receives that love and responds with love of their own, faith begins to grow. Obedience becomes less about obligation and more about relationship.

    Living that way changes how a person approaches everything. Acts of kindness become expressions of obedience. Forgiveness becomes an act of trust. Serving others becomes a way of reflecting Christ. Jesus put it simply:

    “Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16)

    The goal isn’t to impress people. The goal is to point people toward God. And often the most powerful witness isn’t a sermon or a debate. It’s a life that quietly reflects the character of Christ.

    God doesn’t need human help to accomplish His purposes. But He chooses to involve us anyway. When believers step forward in faith, even trembling faith, they become part of something far larger than themselves. A kind word at the right moment. An act of mercy shown to someone who expected none. These things may seem small. But they travel.

    I stood in front of a room full of college students not long ago and talked about all of this. I was terrified. I didn’t want to be there. But I was there, because I had faith. Somewhere along the way, God had been working on me long enough that I finally stopped arguing with it.

    Faith may begin as belief without seeing. But over time, you start to see it everywhere. God has been working all along. And often, He works through the hearts of those willing to trust Him, even when their hands are shaking.